The onset of winter in Buffalo ushers in wonders such as shinny hockey, Tim Hortons Christmas cups, the requisite office holiday festivus, Santa…and a deep, brooding depression which I will lament and wail about til mid summer. You’re welcome.
So I began to write a me-tox plan. But alas, I am me…therego/I go ergo self-imposed timeouts are the extent of the rehab. So I have chosen to be proactive...I did not intend this to be an advice column but alas here goes everything I wish I had known or realize now. Do as I say, not as I do.
Boo’s List of Everything a lass in her mid-twenties should know, understand and practice
# 1 How to change a tire, how to change your hair color without going to a salon, and how to change a man. (Regarding the dude: Tell him what you want him to do, reward him when he does it, and ignore him when he doesn’t do it.)
#2 Go play with your dog. Your dog is the one creature on earth you can make insanely happy by playing “hide the cookie” in the living room. If you have neither cat nor dog (nor bird, nor fish), it’s not essential, but if you want to lead a more enjoyable life…why not?
#3 Don’t read blogs written by unhappy, spiteful people. Bad blogs will mangle your mood. Instead, spend an hour a day with your Precious Moments notebook, connecting deeply with your own spiteful thoughts. At least they’ll be original. And P.S.: Anyone can make history. Only great women can blog it…not necessarily frequently J
#4 When addressing a man’s penis, if you want it to get huge, tell it it’s huge.
#5 When you’re in college, don’t worry too much about grades. Other than getting into a decent grad school and associating with the cream of your generation, getting straight A’s means diddly-squat in the real world, where it’s all about hustle, determination, focus, dressing right, sucking up, and who you know. Also if you did not go to the actual school, but its sister school or some degenerate cousin of the school…do not say you went to the school. Desperation never wears well.
#6 Bad grammar never wears well…nor does butchering any language with abbreviations…neva eva
#7 Women say they want a “nice guy,” but show them an asshole who treats them like dirt and they’ll trample over their own therapists to get to him.
#8 If you suffer the heinous habit of constantly saying “I’m sorry” (a real career killer, right up there with downing a flask of vodka before important meetings), take your pathetic “I’m sorry” and start adding three words: “I’m sorry…I’m so brilliant.” “I’m sorry…I’m so stunning.” “I’m sorry…I’m so miraculous.”
#9 Nobody would have sex if they thought about it for five seconds. It costs too much money – i.e. children, mortgage, therapy – makes you stupid and ties you down. Sex makes you crazy and causes nothing but pain, but that moment of pleasure is worth it all. Sometimes we can’t help ourselves.
#10 The three tragedies of life: (A) not getting what you want, (B) getting it, (C) seeing your best friend getting it. Don’t you know we were born to feel competitive with our friends? Jealousy is a little whip given to us by the queen bitch Mother Nature to push us to excel above our own expectations—to be better than our selves. Via nip, tuck, bedazzled nails, conquests, whatever! Rivalry brings glory to the human race. This is just an excuse for my self-indulgence in judging and narcissism but at least I'm honest! Some times...and I am getting better at that!
Ta da.
It’ a start…but I never said I was committed.
I must confess I had one about family, and the old idea of the one we’re born into versus the one we select, but I’m waffling so it’s best not to make too many inane pompous statements in one blog.
I also had one about panache…and then fear and arrogance…but those were the battle cries of my now registered sex offender high school English teacher so that might need some rethinking…
Prince Charming ain’t showing up on his white horse in the near future.
This was cathartic and now I’m depressed again.
“Boo’s Incomplete List”
Wait for the remix.
Xoxo,
Boo
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